A Series of Unlawlful Events
by Psychologically DysFUNctional
Summary: Welcome, dear reader, to my story. Our story. LawlClan's story. A story full of unlawlful events centered around the conversations on LawlClan.
1. Tablescraps

**A/N: A wacky series of one shots made for my amazing friends on LawlClan. These little shots will probably be mostly unrelated with no specific plot, so…yeah. Enjoy. **

**Warning: Swearing, parody, randomness. Also, if you've never been on LawlClan before, you will know little to nothing about what I'm talking about.**

**Signed,**

**-Oten**

* * *

_A Series of Unlawlful Events_

_I_

_Tablescraps_

* * *

Light gray eyes stared at the circular, disk shaped Twoleg contraption. After countless observations, she's learned that they used it to eat their prey. It was odd, since the cats in her Clan weren't so prissy about where they ate their food (be it on the floor, on the grass, on a rock or even another cat), seeing creatures much bigger, louder and scarier than cats eat off of clean circles made her wonder.

The left over contents—_it seemed to be some type of skinned fish today—_was tossed into another Twoleg contraption where it would be carried out of the den and on the side of a path where a big, dirty monster would pick it up.

The cream colored she-cat narrowed her eyes. It was a waste of good food. Even though her Clan, the almighty LawlClan, had the whole forest to themselves, there were many greedy bastards who decided to eat half of the fucking prey caught that day without sharing a bite.

'_Greedy, greedy bastards. I hope you choke on a squirrel one day.' _

Dawnheart swiped her tongue over her lips before jumping off of the wooden fence, slightly dejected that they didn't see her. She's seen them hand out these…these _magical wonders _to their ugly mutt, but yet when someone as graceful and glorious as herself saunters by, they don't even do so much as offer a _bite _of food to her? This was preposterous. Surely they were on some type of drug.

By the time Dawnheart made it back to camp, the moon was settling in the sky. Hopefully the rest of her clan mates wouldn't be question why she was gone for so long without catching any prey. But she knew everybody there were fat asses, and every time somebody left they automatically assumed that somebody was going to be bringing food of some sort.

Gray eyes scanned over the absolute mess that was called a "clearing". Everyone there was completely _wasted_. Booze—a strange liquid that cats drink to makes them…happy—bottles littered the ground, cats were slumped over each other in rather…erotic and just plain twisted positions. The smell of urine and throw up was thick in the atmosphere, and StarClan knows what else happened in the dens. Dawnheart clenched her jaw together, looking for the lazy bum Squirrlefur. She was obviously the cause of this. Nobody else in LawlClan knew how to make or access this booze besides her. The ginger tabby was found off in a corner, sprawled out wildly with a bottle of booze nestled onto her fur.

"Squirrlefur!"

At the sound of her name, the mischievous feline cracked one bloodshot eye open.

"Wh…what…do you want? Damn it…can't you see I am trying to sleep here!"

"You idiot, you got the clan drunk again!"

The intoxicated, soulless, ginger cat rolled over onto her belly.

"You lie."

Dawnheart knew this argument would go around in circles, so she found a clean area in the clearing and rested there.

* * *

The next day, after the clan got over their hangover, the deputy, Frogsong, appointed a hunting patrol.

"Okay, guys! I'm going to be leading this hunting patrol since…well, I'm a fucking boss and I don't really _need _a reason." Before anybody could protest, she continued. "Spotterdbird, Cricketpaw, Dawnheart and Amberstep, join me."

Dawnheart sighed. She was planning on visiting the Twoleg place to stare at those…nommy, nommy wonders. She needed a name for them. But she wouldn't be able to do that now, since she had to find these rodents to feed the rest of those lazy cats.

Before she could think any further, she felt fur pressed up against her. She whipped her head to the right, her heart racing. Green eyes met gray ones in one of the most awkward interactions known to felines.

"Sup."

"Spottedbird, you crazy, get off of me."

The tortoiseshell, wayward she-cat almost seemed to brighten.

"I'm not on you. Well...unless you want me to be."

"Hey!" Frogsong looked sternly down at the impossibly perverted creature. "No sexually harassing your clan mates. We made this clear last night."

"You wanna' know what also happened last night?"

Frogsong knew the suggestive voice all too well.

"Oh StarClan, no!" she growled in frustration. "You know what, Spottedbird? You keep doing what you're doing. Just keep me out of it."

"Nice." Spottedbird padded ahead the rest of the group, her tail raised and swishing side to side in content. Well, that or else she was just showing off her butt cheeks again.

A dark brown apprentice, Cricketpaw, bounded after her mentor. Dawnheart shook her head sadly.

"That poor apprentice is going to end up just as screwed up as her mentor."

Amberstep shook her head. "I don't think so. I believe Cricketpaw has more common sense."

The hunt, as usual, went by horribly. Cricketpaw and Spottedbird were nowhere to be found (Frogsong said she would personally go out to find Cricketpaw's body the next morning), Amberstep refused to harm a single creature and Dawnheart was too busy thinking about table scraps—_table scraps, it was such a fitting name—_to pay any attention to what they were doing. The only one who caught anything was Frog song, and it was hardly enough to feed anybody (poor shrew).

Later that night, Dawnheart was back at the same place as she always was; on the wooden fence, watching (stalking) this Twoleg family and their table scraps. Although she wasn't able to get those table scraps today, she felt that one day, she would. And it will be delicious.

* * *

**A/N: How did ya' like it? Oh, you didn't like it all? Jerk.**

**Anyways, I have to give my credits: Dawnheart (dragonFELL), Amberstep (AmberyAmber), Frogsong (Coqui's Song), Squirrlefur (Forgotten Findings), Cricketpaw (Reada the Cellist), and Spottedbird, me.**

**All of these characters belong to their rightful owners and LawlClan. **

**Chapters from here on out will be shorter than this so I can update it daily.**


	2. Idependent

**A/N: Yo~! Chapter two is here. Thanks for the positive and constructive reviews, folks! Well, mostly positive and constructive reviews. I apologize for the weirdo comments; it's just trolls being trolls. Ignore them as you may.**

**Warning: Swearing, parody, randomness. Also, if you've never been on LawlClan before, you will know little to nothing about what I'm talking about.**

**Warning 2: An emphasis on the swearing. Today's chapter is rather…wordy. 0D**

**Signed,**

**-Oten**

* * *

_A Series of Unlawlful Events_

_II_

_I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN_

* * *

Spottedbird, a rather wayward, odd and just downright _twisted _cat, wasn't the type of she-cat that was able to keep a tom for more than a day. Actually, not even for an _hour_. After the first thirty minutes or so, it was completely obvious that she cared more about her butt cheeks than the tom himself, and if the conversation did not revolve around her butt cheeks, she was absolutely not interested. That much was a significant detail that everybody in LawlClan only seemed to know about her. Well, mainly because all she did was just show off her cheeks and sexually harass other cats—but that's another story.

Anyways, after her umpteenth break up (nobody could keep track any more), she fell into a depression due to the lack of compliments being aimed at her furry cheeks—and mind you, she needed about thirty compliments about her rear to get through the day. With that being said, Spottedbird did the normal thing every depressed she-cat does—run out into the forest like a complete and total lunatic and then raise some _hell_. Because, that's totally what every she-cat does when depressed. Right?

The leafy forest floor crunched softy underneath her paws. The birds chirped brightly, squirrels dashed up and down trees, the sun shone brightly, its brilliant light reaching into every nook and cranny of the forest. The day almost seemed to hold many great wonders for the cats of LawlClan.

This pissed her off.

"Fucking birds! Shut the hell up!"

The forest seemed to go quiet for a few seconds. Its silence almost shouting, _"Well, damn bitch!" _

"All of you are so _fucking_ happy and you're all rubbing it in my face! Do you flying turds even know how it feels to go a whole day without compliments? _DO YOU_?! No! All of you and your little happy ass birdy friends probably give each other compliments all fucking day!"

She panted heavily, her chest moving up and down rapidly. Her mouth was drawn back into a snarl and her eyes were narrowed into slits. Her but cheeks were amazing and needed to be complimented! This was an outrage!

"Sweetie, calm down."

The voice was deep, soothing and feminine. It gave off a certain calming ambiance that the raging cat couldn't even put a claw on; all she knew was that it was amazing. Possibly even rivaling her cheeks.

She turned around slowly. The cat behind her was a dark brown one. Her pelt was thick and glossy, shining magnificently in the sun's light. StarClan almost seemed to sing at her arrival. She held an air of _I'm-better-than-you-but-I'll-try-to-be-your-equal _and aristocracy. Something this she-cat knew little to nothing of since she was surrounded by insane, drunken, kinky cats all of her life.

"W...wha…who are you…?"

The she cat dipped her head.

"My name is Oprah."

Snapping out of her trance, Spottedbird lashed her tail.

"And just what are you doing here? Can't you see I am trying to bitch and moan in peace?!"

Oprah shook her head. "Honey, there is no need to go sobbin' around everywhere. Let me guess, you had your heart broken?"

Spottedbird tilted her head, staring straight in into Oprah's eyes.

"…yes. And how do you know this?"

"Because I'm Oprah, and I know everything." She padded closer to the tortoiseshell feline before sitting down on her haunches and wrapping her tail over her feet.

"I can help you if you want."

"I don't need your help."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you _do_."

"No I _don't_. And how would you know anyways? You're not me."

"I'm not you, but I'm Oprah. And Oprah knows everything."

Oddly enough, the answer seemed fitting. Acknowledging the feral cat's defeat, Oprah brightened.

"I'm going to say a sentence, and you're going to repeat. Alright?"

"Alright."

The dark brown she cat dipped her head once more, her emotional, penetrating eyes staring deeply into green ones, staring straight at her disturbed soul. The forest quieted down, almost waiting for Oprah's wise words. Spottedbird removed her eyes a way from Oprah's for a split second, trying to find anything else to look at. This was just fucking creepy. She sat there, unmoving, unblinking, not _breathing_ in front of the LawlClan cat, staring into her soul like Frogsong always did to her when she was harassing other cats.

"I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man!"

"…What?!"

"Say it me! I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man!"

"Um…I am and independent female cat and…I don't need no man…?"

"Say it like you mean it!"

"I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man."

"Louder!"

"I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man!"

"LOUDER!"

"I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN!"

Oprah closed her eyes in joy. Spottedbird felt something bubbling up inside of her. It was making her feel like a…a…a _feminist_. And StarClan did it feel good.

"You got it! What are you?"

"AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT!"

"And what don't you need?"

"A MAN!"

"SAY IT AGAIN! ALTOGETHER!"

"I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN!"

Spottedbird jumped to her paws and bounced around gleefully.

"I am an independent female cat—"

Oprah held a confused look.

"Okay, I think that's enough."

"-and I DON'T NEED NO MAN!"

"Hey! You're freaking me out!"

Spottedbird started to rush out of the forest.

"Hey!" Oprah called. "Don't forget to buy my book and join my book club, okay?"

* * *

Spottedbird stepped proudly into the camp feeling like a brand new cat.

Wildheart, a dark brown tom, who is a friend of Spottedbird's—somehow—walked past by the "changed" cat.

"Hey, Spottedb—"

"I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN. YOU SEXIST BASTARD!"

She strutted, with much pride, away, leaving the unsuspecting tom confused.

"…dafuq?"

* * *

**A/N:**

**YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN AND YOU DON'T NEED NO MAN! –Ten ways to spoil dinner**

**Credits: Spottedbird (me), Wildheart (Ten ways to spoil dinner), and Frogsong (Coqui's Song)**


	3. Here, Once Again: I

**A/N: Chapter 3.**

…

**Here I am, stating the obvious. :'D Oh me.**

**Warning: Swearing, parody, randomness. Also, if you've never been on LawlClan before, you will know little to nothing about what I'm talking about.**

**Signed,**

**-Oten**

* * *

_A Series of Unlawlful Events_

_III_

_Tablescraps Spin-off: Here, Once Again_

* * *

The sun was no longer in the sky around this time; it was fairly dark and gloomy. She wasn't a scaredy-cat, but something about the long, black ominous shadows casted from the trees gave her a weird feeling in her belly. Almost as if they were reaching out to grab her, and then devour her piece by piece—just the way that crazy, way-ward mentor of hers had described her.

Oh, her mentor.

She loathed her immensely at the moment. That lunatic—literally—left her out in the weird part of the forest, once again.

Seriously, this part of the forest was fucking insane; two roaches and a squirrel tried to jump her just a few heartbeats ago. She had no idea what the hell was going on, they just came out of nowhere and jumped her! One would think since those animals were so darn tiny that they would do no harm, but for StarClan's sake, they were the strongest little turds she's ever ran into. Cricketpaw swore she was unconscious for a good ten minutes or so.

Cricketpaw shook her head furiously, she had no time to think about the weird shit that happens here, such as the barking birds and singing frogs—that was for another time.

Her demented mentor always brought Cricketpaw to these parts of the forest. Every single night, no matter what happened that day, the dark brown she-cat was woken up at an unholy hours to trudge behind her mentor and into this crazy, psychotic forest. Her mentor traded these things…Cricketpaw paused her movements for a moment, reminiscing the name her mentor gave those goods. Ah, "drugs"! That was it! Her mentor sold drugs to these animals in these parts of the forest and quite frankly, the forest definitely did not need any fucking drugs. The animals here were already maniacs to begin with.

Wandering aimlessly around in a forest full of drugged birds, rats, mice and frogs—this was definitely not on Cricketpaw's bucket-list. There was not a chance that she accidentally put it there and then forgot about it—no one in their right mind would do so.

Cricketpaw sighed and sat down on the forest floor.

"Great, now what do I do…" her voice trailed off, the faint sound of quirky human voices being heard a short distance away.

"…_It's time to play the music. It's time to light the lights…"_

Her ears shot up, angling in the direction of the odd noises.

"What the…"

She rose from her bottom and followed the sound of the singing, completing ignoring the chirping snake behind her. The sound, even though it was freaking weird, was somehow still entrancing, drawing the young apprentice in like a moth to a light. Her ears guided her, her feet moved her and together they lead the only sane cat in LawlClan to theTwoleg house at the end of their territory.

She hopped on the wooden slabs, and steadied herself until she was able to sit comfortably on her perch. Through the opening of the Twolegs den, she spotted a black box. It displayed all sorts of colors and animals—the animals in which she assumed were singing this magical song.

Even though there was an abundance of weird, colorful characters and animals she recognized in her forest, one is specific creature stood out.

"…_Kermit! Kermit the Frog!"_

'_Kermit?...The Frog?' _ She thought, tilting her head. It reminded her of someone…someone like…Frogsong. That's right. Frogsong and Kermit the Frog surely must've been related. That much she was sure of.

The bright colors and up-beat sounds continued playing. The brown apprentice quickly learned the words, mouthing them while rocking and bouncing side to side on her perch.

"…_On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational . This is what we call the Muppet Show!..."_

* * *

**A/N: You can see where this is going in the next chapter.**

**Credits: Frogsong (Coqui's Song), Cricketpaw (Reada the Cellist)**

**And of course, the drugs belong to me. Though not the Muppets. **


	4. Mary Sues: I

**A/N: Late chapter. *shrugs* But wadd'ya expect? I have the worst timing skills known to man. Just a little note, this chapter has nothing to do with the previous, but the next, **_**next**_** one will. Onward.**

**Warning: Swearing, parody, randomness. Also, if you've never been on LawlClan before, you will know little to nothing about what I'm talking about. The jokes and references will mean **_**nothing **_**to you since they're insiders.**

**Signed,**

**-Oten**

* * *

_**A Series of Unlawlful Events**_

_**IV**_

_Mary Sues: I_

_Genetically Fucking Impossible_

* * *

LawlClan.

The name was almost sacred. Whenever the name _LawlClan _spilled out of any cat's mouth, it instantly sent cold shivers running down their spine. It was the name of the largest, most fearsome Clan of cats ever known to _any _forest.

Cats that dared to invade their territory were ripped to shreds, piece by bloody piece by the loyal warriors there. There was also the option of Milking the cats to death, but that was reserved for only the special ones. Milking is an ancient LawlClan death ritual that can _only _be used on certain cats that prove themselves worthy. Or shitty enough.

Sadly, there weren't a lot of milk-worthy cats lately. This left LawlClan devastated.

That is, until one day during leaf-bare.

LawlClan was faced with a surge of the most milk-worthy cats known in their history.

And they were none other than Mary Sues.

* * *

Spiderstar stretched her legs that lovely morning, expecting the usual routine to happen that day. She would wake up, eat, go back to sleep, wake back up to stop a fight, and go back to sleep but to only wake up to a drunk Clan. This, of course, was caused by none other than Squirrelfur.

But, something seemed…_off_…that day. The sun was too bright, the birds were chirping too loudly, not a single cloud was in the sky, the weather was perfect and even _Spottedbird _wasn't bitching about everything in the world. Every other Clan leader would rejoice at this, but Spiderstar knew better. Any day that started off too well was going to turn to shit by the time the sun went down.

That _always _happened. It never failed to do so.

Spiderstar padded outside of her spacious den and into the light of day. Her eyes darted around, looking for the danger that was bound to come. But everything in the Clan seemed orderly. The warriors were doing what they were supposed to, the apprentices were play fighting with each other outside of the apprentice den and there weren't any booze bottles scattered around the clearing.

No booze bottles? Today was most _definitely _going to turn to shit.

The brown hairs at Spiderstar's neck stood on end.

"Frogsong! Wolfblaze!"

The two cats were at Spiderstar's side within moments. The gray haired tom stared at the entrance of the clearing.

"Something absolutely _shitty _is going to happen today." he murmured, his voice low and serious. Spiderstar nodded in agreement. Frogsong sighed heavily.

"Any idea what?" the long-limbed leader meowed.

"I don't know…more dumb cats trying to invade LawlClan?" Frogsong suggested, sitting down onto the grassy forest floor and observing the rest of the Clan.

"I doubt it." Wolfblaze turned his head back to the entrance. "It's going to be much worse than that. Today's _too _perfect. It is _too _sunny and cheery here. LawlClan isn't an Angst-Fest, but damn it, even _Spottedbird _isn't bitching about irrelevant things."

Spiderstar lowered her head.

"That's exactly what I was thinking," Her keen amber eyes followed a ginger cat padding to the fresh-kill pile, which was unbelievably full, and choosing out a small bird without wobbling or throwing up. Spiderstar's breath was caught in her throat. This…this was impossible! This was _absolutely _impossible! "Guys…" she whispered hoarsely, her fur bristling and her eyes wide. Her claws unsheathed, prepared for the absolute worse at her stunning discovery. "Squirrelfur's not drunk."

"You _cannot _be telling the truth!" Wolfblaze hissed in surprise.

"Oh StarClan, take me _now_!" Frogsong wailed to the sky. "What did I do to get you so _upset_?"

"Frogsong!" Spiderstar snapped. The last thing she needed was for her deputy to go nuts. Frogsong lowered her head. "This is serious guys, we must—"

The Clan quieted down. Every single cat fell into a hush in an eerie unison. Their everyday activities came to a halt as they all turned their attention to the entrance. Wolfblaze unsheathed his claws and drew his lips back, ready to brawl. Spiderstar narrowed her eyes and raised her head. From the corner of her eye, she spotted Frogsong mirroring the battle position that Wolfblaze had.

The bracken around the entrance moved. Apprentices around in the clearing were silently told to move behind the warriors, so were the elders.

There was a loud yowl and a screech coming from the LawlClan warriors.

"Oh StarClan," somebody howled in despair. "What the hell is _that_?!"

Spiderstar was taken aback. She even heard a disgusted snort from Wolfblaze and a "_dafuq?_" from Frogsong. There, at the entrance of her Clan, were seven of the _oddest _cats she's even seen in her life. One cat had one bright, purple eye and the other one was blue.

It—Spiderstar refused to call that disgrace a cat—had white fur with black star-shaped marking on its forehead. One of the others had yellow fur and pink eyes with white paws!

"What type of genetic mutation…?" Wolfblaze muttered in disbelief. "Their parents must've been incest."

The purple–eyed cat dipped her head down in respect. "I am Purpleheart."

The yellow one raised her head higher. "I am Shiningstar." She declared, challenge threaded in her voice.

Spiderstar resisted a snort. Was this _genetically mutated accident _**trying **to get her sorry arse kicked?!

An all-black cat with one bright blue eye and one red eye, four-inched claws and a long furry tail stood where he was, not bowing at all. He had a scar over his left eye, but yet his eye didn't seem injured at all. "I am Wolfgrowl." he rumbled.

"Moonshine," a pretty cat purred from the side of Wolfgrowl. She had sleek, snow white, long fur that was neatly kept. On her chest, there was a silver moon faintly seen. She had big azure eyes and a pink nose. There wasn't a single _scar _on her. Her eyes cast downward as she broke down into little sobs. "I…I'm so _ugly_…" she cried silently. Wolfgrowl scooted closer to her, nuzzling into her soft fur.

Wolfblaze stood with his mouth agape in utter horror. He closed his jaw tightly. "Spiderstar," he hissed through clenched teeth. "I want these…these _assholes _out of here. _Now_. They've only just arrived and I already want to swallow the Clan supply of death berries."

Spiderstar silently watched as they finished introducing themselves—the rest of them being Starglimmer, Silverpelt, Emeraldeyes and Sparklingruby. Apparently, they arrived to LawlClan on some "Great Journey" prophesized by StarClan. They all came from a faraway Clan, many forests away from this one, called _ThunderClan_. Well, all beside the mopey, depressing one that ironically came from _ShadowClan_.

Amberstep slowly approached them, her face etched with horror. "You guys…" she managed to whisper. "You guys…are _impossible_!" She walked around them, observing every single _wrong_ detail with her keen eyes. "How is this even—what?! But that can't even—you would have to have special breeds mate—incest or something—I can't even—ugh!" Amberstep shuddered, walking slowly away, not looking back even once. _'It's just a dream'_ they heard her chant.

"Spiderstar," a cat mewed. "What are we going to do with them?"

Spiderstar stared at them in disgust, but yet she was in awe and joy at the same time. For many, _many _moons, LawlClan have been deprived of any milk-worthy cats. But these cats before her…they were perfect. Absolutely, positively so _special _that they might as well have "MILK" scratched onto their pretty, genetically incorrect faces.

"They're staying." Spiderstar mewed with much confidence. The clan wailed in dismay, and even from the farthest corner of the warriors den, Amberstep screeched the loudest.

Wolfblaze whipped his head in his leader's direction.

"What the hell?! Spiderstar, you can't possibly allow them to—"

"Milk," Spiderstar muttered, silencing the gray tom. "They are worthy of Milking."

Wolfblaze's widened eyes lowered. "That makes sense." he cast a milk-hungry glance at Wolfgrowl. "I have my paws on _that _son of a bitch."

Frogsong sighed. "Wolfblaze, you have to share him with the rest of the Clan."

The gray tom muttered something under his breath, more than likely it was a profanity.

Shiningstar padded over to the group, her pink eyes changing to a light shade of yellow. Spiderstar resisted the urge to barf. Rainbow eyes? Who the bloody _hell _was this cat's parents?

"I am grateful for you letting these cats stay here in your Clan." she purred.

Spiderstar dipped her head in what seemed like respect. But every cat knew she was just trying to find an important vein to rip out of Shiningstar's throat.

"No," she nearly sang. "It is my pleasure. _Our _pleasure."

* * *

**A/N: BAD ASS, HOMICIDAL, MILKING VENI SAY WHAT?! XD**

**Mary Sues. Everybody hates them. This Mary Sue chapter theme may go on for about 5 chapters, though not back to back but related to each other. Next Chapter? Mary Sues: II, THE CHOSEN JUAN.**

**I love bashing Mary Sues. And anyone who has those Mary Sue names, this is meant for you. Murder those damn cats in the most brutal way possible, it might take away 1% of the Sue.**

**As always, the credits: Spiderstar (Veni0Vidi0Vici), Wolfblaze (Jimmy Attackles Veni's Leg), Frogsong (Coqui's Song), Amberstep (AmberyAmber), Squirrelfur (Forgotten Findings), and Spottedbird, which is me.**

**Shiningstar, Emeraldeyes, Moonshine, Purpleheart, Starglimmer, Silverpelt and Sparklingruby belong to ****Coqui's Song****. Wolfgrowl belongs to me.**


End file.
